I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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