my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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