I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
