I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
