Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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