apparently the secret to your success is patron
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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