I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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