Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Randomize
