This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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