my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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