When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
