she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
