Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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