Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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