How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
we're so committed to being not committed
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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