Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
