Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
