I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
