I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize