guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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