After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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