I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
