I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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