I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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