I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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