Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
