the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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