Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
