god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
