I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
