My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I can't put those talents on a resume
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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