Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
