Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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