I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
