I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
whose parrot is this?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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