I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
