i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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