dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
