I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
