He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
