DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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