i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just want to make out with him forever
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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