At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
