Plan B is the new Plan A
I need help removing her.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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