dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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