My sheets look like a crime scene.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I touched a dick in church today
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
