I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
