No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize