i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
