I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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