She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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