I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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