Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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