Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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