At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
