Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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