Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
