my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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